Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in empty and so beautiful's InsaneJournal:

Sunday, December 7th, 2003
12:51 am	surveys! + Basics + Are you emotional :: yes Do songs make you cry? If so, name a few :: yes...last kiss by pearl jam, i believe by diamond rio What about movies :: yes..selena made me cry ALOT What emotion do you usually feel :: sadness or helplessness + Sadness + What does it take to make you cry your heart out :: hitting a really bad low, fighting with people, feeling like ive fucked things up.. How many times have you done that :: too many to count Where do you cry :: in my room..i dont like people to see me cry Do you hate crying :: yes. i hate it because it makes me feel weak Do you like it when others cry :: depends..i loved seeing jay cry, but he was crying out of goodness, not out of pain..if theyre crying because of pain, it rips me apart Do you think tears make eyes look pretty :: yes Who looks good when they cry :: me, jay, pinky How else do you express sadness :: i shut myself off Are you sad all the time :: a good deal of the time + Anger + What does it take to make you mad :: being lied to, my mom, people insulting my friends or jay or my relationship with jay, people who cant think for themselves What do you do when you're angry :: cry, cut How short is your temper :: not very How long does it take you to calm down :: a good while What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad :: i think using a pencil sharpener blade on my ribs and hips would qualify Do you freak out when others are angry :: kinda Has anyone ever recommended anger management to you :: no What's the worst thing someone's done to make you mad :: calling me a slut and a bitch and a drama queen and saying i dont deserve anyone and logging into MY diary and reading an entry i had asked them not to read... Do you anger people :: i guess + Joy + How often are you happy :: i duno What makes you happy :: jay, glitter, hanging out with my friends, when i get good reviews for my stories What do you do when you're happy :: smile, laugh, dance around hallways How optimistic are you :: im not Do happy people make you mad :: not really What's the worst thing someone can do while they're happy :: lol i dont know..rub it in the face of someone whos depressed? Ever been so happy you were dying to tell everyone :: yes Ever been so happy you cried :: yes Do you smile a lot :: yes..sometimes its forced though..not as much lately Kiss people a lot:: only jay..and pinky that one time Who really makes you happy :: JAY Do you like doing things for people when you're happy :: yes. i like doing things for people anyway. + Fear + What do you do when you're scared :: cry..shut myself off..sleep... What scares you :: myself, more than anything else Do you like scaring people :: no, unless its silly Do you like the trill of being frightened :: no, cept on rollercoasters, although theyre not really scary anymore Does fear accompany anger in your case :: sometimes Ever been so scared you couldn't breathe :: yes How often do you panic :: too much What's the one thing that scared you more than anything else EVER :: when i had that dream about my funeral What do you do to calm your nerves :: talk to jay, sleep, cut.. Do rollercoasters scare you :: not really + The strongest emotion + What song never fails to get your strongest emotions going :: my immortal by evanescence Movie :: girl, interrupted Commericial :: none Person :: jay makes me feel the best things..mom proly makes me feel the worst Thing :: love, pain Sight :: blood and scars..jay's eyes... Sound :: music Food :: food??? Thing you're looking forward to/want :: my day with jay + What do you do + When the emotion suck :: cut or cry or both When the emotion rocks :: smile a bunch When there's no emotion :: enjoy it..and test the limits of my numbness + Would you rather + Never feel again :: no. Feel loneliness or anger for the rest of your life :: loneliness..i dont hate myself for feeling lonely Be happy forever and never experience bad times :: yes Cause misery :: NO Feel misery :: yes Be alone :: yes.. Be with everyone you know :: no.. + Who + Cheers you up more than anyone else :: jay Angers you more than anyone else :: mom Scares you more than anyone else :: myself Makes you think about your emotions more than anyone else :: jay..my therapist Makes you really care about how they feel and what they think :: everyone Emotions brought to you by BZOINK! *currents** current clothing: jay's black tee shirt, blue sleep pants with starts and moons current mood: lonely..sick..sore..bored current taste: minty freshness current hair: wet current annoyance: the fact that jens being stupid again current smell: shower-freshness..with a slight hint of jay current thing you ought to be doing: sleeping current jewelry: two bracelets (technically 4 but theyre intertwined) current book: none current refreshment: none current worry: will i stay away from the safety pins all night? current crush: jay current favorite celebrity: lead singer of joj current longing: for jay current music: cumdumpster by joj current wish: that jay was here..or i could at least talk to him.. current lyric in your head: i envy your demise, i hope its all you dreamed it would be, one bullet in this gun, not sure if its for you or me.. current makeup (if you're a girl!): none.washed off my eyeliner current undergarments: pink undies current regret: i duno.. current desktop picture: black rose current plans for tonight/weekend: no plans for tonight or tomorrow current cuss word du jour: damn current disappointment: that jay isnt here and i still feel sick and promised i wouldnt purge current amusement: this current IM/person you're talking to: ricky current love: jay current obsession: jay, jack off jill current avoidance: jen current thing or things on your wall: awards and a linkin park plaque thingie current favorite book: tithe, ella enchanted, the luckiest girl in the world, harry potter and the PoA current favorite movie: beauty and the beast currents!@*&!*@&^& brought to you by BZOINK! What makes you laugh?: jay saying 'cracka', the guppie thing, alyxx grabbing my ass, perverted jokes, jokes about jesus and bondage, puns, the word bruhaha Who is your hero?: jay Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?: jay.duh How many pairs of shoes do you own?: like 2 Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?: lol in fairyland o course Who do you blame for your mood today?: myself If the Internet were sex... I would: be a big whore Have you ever seen a dead body?: yes What is something scientists need to invent?: teleporter What should we do with stupid people?: praise them..theyre cool Have you ever broken a bone?: yes Do you watch local news? Why?: no What happens after you die?: your soul goes to your own paradise..your body either becomes ashes or worm food How big is your bed? Big enough?: its a twin..and its not big enough How long do you think you will live?: til im good and old and wrinkly ^_^ Random Thought Provokers brought to you by BZOINK! You're wearing: undies, black tee shirt, blue sleep pants, two bracelets You can see: the computer screen, my hands, my hairbrush, paper, the mouse You can hear: jack off jill, the hum of my computer, the click of the keyboard, my brothers tv, the beeps of ims Favorite colors: blue, black, red, silver, green Favorite songs: ghost of a good thing, my sundown, my immortal, everything, pretty much all joj Favorite movies: ever after, beauty and the beast, moulin rouge, the labyrinth, pirates of the caribbean Favorite stores: rave, cosmic, claire's, winn dixie, quickstop! Favorite people: jay, pinky, oom, alyxx, joshy People you love: jay, pinky, oom, taco, shotgun People you hate: george w bush..and 4 random racists That get on your nerves: commercials, liars, copycats, boy bands, lip gloss that says its flavored but its not That you did today: talked to jay, ate ramen, went to gattitown, talked to random gattitown employees, wore a crown of glowsticks That you'll do tomorrow: sleep, talk to jay, be annoyed by the fact that i live in the house that i live in, do my homework, listen to music People you miss/haven't seen in 6+ months: jay, pinky, chains (my old doggie), shelley (my old kittie), jane People you have dated/"gone out" with: jay, david, chris croley, philip, shane 5 Things brought to you by BZOINK! Current Mood: lonely Current Music: jack off jill - devil with the black dress on (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 17th, 2003
10:02 pm	Woo....Today was something, alright..I’m just not sure what. First of all, I woke up at 3am to find that the house smelled like burning rubber and it was kind of smothering. I walked through the house, trying to determine the cause, but I didn’t have my contacts in and I was therefore half blind and was forced to just go back to my room and crank up my fan and open my window so that I could breathe at least somewhat easily. When I woke up, mom wasn’t up yet, and when she did get up, she told me that my sister had caught the kitchen on fire. She has a bad habit of doing that. She almost burned our kitchen down when she fell asleep with boiling water on the stove when we first moved in here. It was crazy. Then, I was almost late to the ridge. When I got there, I found Julie, from the girls’ unit there. I was very happy. It meant I would have someone to talk to, that was female, and who I knew. We went to the caf, then to the group room. That is when something so hilarious happened. We were all just sitting there, me, Julie, Trevor, Scott, and the new-ish guy Nathan. The boys unit was walking past us to go to school and some were singing ‘in da club’ . One said, ‘hey shorty’, the next said ‘it’s your birthday’, and then, out of nowhere, this guy looks in the room at me and says ‘the unit’s in my pants’. ....... HAHAHAHAHAHA We all just cracked up. I didn’t stop laughing for like 10 minutes solid. It was sooo fucking funny.But kinda scary cuz I think it was directed at me, and when I was in patient, we had this convo about the guys masturbating, and how it’d be all weird cuz of the cameras in the room and how that means they must have tons of built up tension and this girl was like, well you know if they are jackinf off they’re probably thinking of us when they do. And, um, ewwwwwwwwwww. I mean, it’s understandable, I guess, cuz we had a lot of really pretty girls. But still...that’s something I don’t wanna think about... My teacher, Miss Anne, pissed me off first thing. She insists that you redo any assignment you don’t pass until you get at least a 67 on it. Well, I suck at math. Like, I am really damn horrible at it, and she had made me do this same assignment 4 times, and I still only had a 60 on it, and she told me I had to redo it and pass it and until I did she wouldn’t give me my assignment sheet so I couldn’t do work for any subject. That pissed me off, cuz it meant that one math assignment would keep me behind in all my subjects. I started feeling really hot, and kind of suffocated, and god, I wanted a razor so much at that moment. Right before we left, Misty told me that Jessie had been re-admitted. She slit her wrist again. I looked at her later that day, and god, she looked awful. The first time she came to the ridge, she was all happy and hyper and the only way you could tell there was anything wrong with her was the bandage on her left wrist. Today, she looked as depressed as I know she must have felt. I wrote her a little note saying I loved her and I hoped she was ok and handed it to her in the hall and gave her a hug and signaled ‘I heart you’ to her. It made her smile, which made me feel good. There was another new girl. Her name is Amber, and it turns out she goes to Scott County. She’s in for self injury, anger, depression, and pathological lying. I think it’s Amber Meese. She is actually friends with Mike Sberna. *shudders* Scott left today. But Trevor is still pretty damn bad on his own. He pissed me off in wrap-up group. La-Neen asked me what I was going to do tonight, and he said ‘Take a razor to her arms.’ Omfg, I almost hit that little son of a bitch. La-Neen told him that it was inappropriate, and basically to shut up, but I was fucking seething. Me and Mom had to go pick up Allie after I got out, and that took forever, so I had to call Jay on her cell phone from the Winn Dixie parking lot and we only got like 3 minutes before mom’s phone went dead, and tonight is his first dress rehearsal so he won’t be home til at least 10. Our house has been so fucking hectic these past few nights, and it is driving me nuts. Sam just keeps strolling into my room like it’s hers and taking things and it’s just annoying. Plus, whether cuz of my medicine, or from not eating, or from both, I don’t know, but I have been so dizzy. It’s getting really bad, and it makes me feel really sick when I turn my head a certain way. Well, I’m off for now. Oom is sending me jack off jill music..w00t, and goodness bless her! Current Mood: irate Current Music: The Mars Volta - Cicatriz ESP (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 16th, 2003
7:55 pm	Well then.... It has been a while since I last wrote. Sorry about that, folks. If anyone cares. Jay came over yesterday. He was over for 9 hours. It rocked. But mom said we couldn't make out. That made me grish for a while. But then she fell asleep, and we got around that rule. Hehe. Oooo yes, and I am engaged. ^_^ That may sound silly to a lot of people, given that I am only 15 years old, but stranger things have happened, and this feels right, you know? I think Jay and I have something a lot of people who are married don't. And that is saying something. -begin rant- Mom is in one of her moods. It's not directed at me, but I can tell that she is fighting not to yell at me like she has been yelling at Sam. The only reason she's not is cause she and daddy and pretty much everyone else have been treating me like I am made of glass. It's really rather annoying. Sometimes I think I would like it just to be back to the way it was, when she yelled at me and there were no family dinners and I could cut without her noticing and there wasn't the threat of hospitilzation hanging over my head and I didn't spend the day at Charter talking about my feelings and worrying that they are going to keep me in that damn outpatient program longer because I am having strong cravings and then have to go home and have my parents ask me about my feelings and know that they worry when I don't talk and no one seems to understand that I am talked out and I don't want my door open, not even three inches, and that I am only stopping because my back is to the wall and they think my depression is due to neglect but really I just wish they would leave me alone and stop breathing down my neck and interpreting my every move. -end rant- I am talking to Meghan Bowling, and edging my way into telling her where I have been. It's weird for me to tell people that I don't think have any clue as to what I have been doing. But, oddly enough, I talked to Mary for the first time in forever today, and it was easy for me to tell her. She said she was just glad I am ok. It's so odd. I told Court I might be back before Thanksgiving and she seemed so excited. Court hardly ever gets that excited. I guess I'm missed a lot more than I thought. I expect when I come back to school I'm going to get a lot of hugs. I <3 hugs! Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless (Comment on this)
Monday, November 10th, 2003
8:39 pm	Wow, it has been a long week. Tuesday, November 4: Ok, after the last entry, I waited for mom to come home, not knowing what to expect. When she got home, I told Jay bye and signed off and went into the living room. She asked to see my arms and I showed them to her and she told me to get ready, that we were going to Charter. I felt my stomach drop and started to cry and walked back to my room and cleaned up a little and about 20 minutes later we left. She took me to McDonald’s on the way and it had the distinct feeling of a last meal. We got to "The Ridge" and went to the waiting room, and we were there for at least a half an hour before they took me in to assessment. The assessment consisted of a woman asking me questions about why I was there, and about my cutting. I was trying not to cry, and couldn’t look at mom as I said some of the things that she didn’t know about, such as how long I had been cutting and the incident when I made 90. After the assessment, the woman doing the assessment went to consult a doctor and came back in to tell me that I was going to stay for 2-3 days. I started crying and mom came and sat beside me and I begged her not to leave me, that I would stop, if she just took me home. She told me, sounding close to tears herself, that even if she didn’t want to, they could keep me if they thought I wasn’t safe with myself. And, honestly, at that point, I would have gone home, waited until my parents were asleep, and sliced up my arms as bad as I could manage. But I wasn’t about to admit that. We went through the admission process, which took about 2 hours, during which I heard a code called in the girl’s unit, which I was about to go into. They also informed me that I would be staying for at least 5 days, let me say goodbye to my mom, took me to do a body search (very uncomfortable, basically consisted of flashing a staff member and them taking notes on scars and marks on your body) and then I went to the unit. Upon entering, the rest of the girls were in the dayroom, a small room in which group therapy was held. I sat on the floor, feeling very self conscious, and the girl closest to me, a blonde named Maggie introduced herself and the rest of the girls. This put me a little more at ease, but not much. I spent the next hour or so being bombarded with questions from the other patients. Why was I here? That was the most frequent one. By the end of the night, the phrase ‘I’m a cutter’ was second nature to me. I knew most of the names: Maggie, Jaisa, Britt, Brooke , Shanice , Christina, Autumn, Brittany, Shyanne, and Judy. Bedtime was 9, and I had a hell of a time trying to sleep. Wednesday, November 5: The bad day. Sleep deprived, homesick, Jay-deprived. Had first meeting with Dr Humphries, my psychiatrist. Also met with my physician. First time *really* talking about my cutting habits with adults. It was not fun. Mom and dad came to visit me at 6, and when they left, I started to cry. I really wanted to go home. I ended up going into the bathroom (the only room sans cameras) and banging my head on the corner of the wall. Felt a little better, but realized that I was being very counter productive. Talked to Britt a little before bed, and began to figure out how much of a bitch she was. She kept cutting in and taking over the conversation and bitching at anyone who came near us. Ugh. I cried myself to sleep that night. Thursday, November 6: Maggie left at 9am. Everyone missed her. She was kind of the caretaker of the group. Don’t really remember much else. Mom brought Gretchen (sissy) to visitation. Felt kind of good all day. Friday, November 7: Jaisa, Shanice, Judy, Christina,Britt and Sequoia all left. Felt a lot better, but not because of them leaving, lol, I liked all of them. Christina had been in for cutting, and she was only 12, and like a little sister to me. Had first meeting with Amy, my social worker, in order to prepare for the family session at 3:00. The family session itself was very intense. My dad cried, saying he didn’t know what to do, he only knew that he had a little girl he loved very much and he was scared to death. Mom also began to cry, and then I followed suit. We talked about everything, about how I had always felt like I had to be strong, and be responsible, and I didn’t want to make more problems by telling mom what I was doing. We had new admissions: Prudy, Angela, Charmaine, Jessica, Julie, and Misty. . Jessie and I clicked automatically. I also became very good friends with Prudy and Angela. Saturday and Sunday, November 8 and 9: The weekend was pretty laid back. No school, lots of groups and rec therapy, and double visitation. Mom and dad came and ate lunch with me Sunday. Autumn drew me pictures Sunday night, saying that since I was scheduled to leave Tuesday, she wanted to make me things so I would stay. She was so adorable. I felt really good. But Brooke and Brittany had relapses, Brooke cut her wrist with a comb. It worried me. Monday, November 10: Woke up feeling very hyper and good. Went to breakfast, then processing group. Prudy had a panic attack in group, which freaked everyone out, and really worried me, Angela, Jessie, and Brooke. She felt better in a couple of hours though. I was called out of class around 11 to talk to Dr Humphries. She asked me how I was feeling. I said I felt great. She then told me the plan was for me to be discharged this afternoon, rather than Tuesday, as we had originally thought. Oh my gosh, I was soooooooo happy! I went back to the unit practically bouncing off the walls. Mom came around 1, and we did the discharge forms, and I gave Prudy, Angela, and Jessie hugs, which I had to sneak, due to the rule about there being no physical contact between patients. Then I left, staff wishing me luck as I walked down the hall. Mom took me to Kathy’s, where I got my hair highlighted and layered, and then to the grocery, where I got marshmallow cream, mint chocolate chip ice cream, and hot pockets. Then, we came home, and I went into my room, and signed on, and Jay was there, and I felt my spirits lift even higher. He imed me and asked, "are you?" and I responded, "I’m home." He told me how much he had missed me, and that he loved me, and how happy he was that I was home. Megan and Jen and Pinky also imed me, and Pinky was the only one who knew where I had been. Megan had kind of guessed, and Jen thought I was grounded. They all wanted to know what it was like, and I told them I would write a journal entry about it, and they could read it. Then I signed off and Jay called me. He seemed happy beyond description to hear my voice, and god, hearing his was like a drink of water after months in the desert. We talked for a while, and then he had to leave to go to play practice, but he said he would call me back when he got home. A lot of our conversation was just spent telling each other how much we had missed each other, and how much we loved one another, and I told him a little about what it was like, and he said he *will* get down here this weekend, and he bought me a flashing binki, and god, he missed me. I smiled the entire time and he said he finally understood what I meant when I said sometimes I cried because I was really happy, and that he was almost crying. I called Emma and Ruth, but they aren’t home, and I called Court, and she said she guessed where I was, and that Philip had actually asked if I was there. She asked me what it was like, and said she was glad I was ok, and doing better, and is a little disappointed that I won’t be back at school for a couple of weeks (I am going into this outpatient program called Young Champions, and I will be at The Ridge from 8 to 5 every day), and was wondering how she could get the burned copy of Sexless Demons And Scars to me, and wants to do something with me one weekend. I am so happy to be home it cannot even be described. Sammy is here and I just picked her up and hugged her as tightly as I could and told her that I loved her. I played with Allie and hugged my dad and talked to my mom for a while and just being in this room, this small, square room, with yellow walls and old blue carpet and clothes on the floor and an open jar of marshmallow cream and a spoon on the desk and no sharp objects in sight is an amazing feeling. Welcome home, me. Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: 3 Doors Down - Here Without You (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
2:56 pm	omfg...i am so very stupid.. i left my razor on my computer desk, and my brother came in my room to get online, and i was doing laundry in the back hall when he walked into te living room. "What are you doing with this?" he askd, and I looked over to see him holding my razor blade in his hand. I swear,my heart just stopped. I froze. I couldn't say anything. He asked why I had it, and asked to see my arms, and I shook my head, and he asked if that's why I had it, and I didn't respond. He walked back to my room and I went onto the back porch and hugged my knees and cried, and only came back in once I could breathe again, and he walked back with the phone in his hand. It was mom. I refused to talk to her, afraid of what she would say, because I knew he had told her. But she said if i didnt talk to her, she would come home right away, so I reluctantly agreed. She asked me if I had been using a razor blade, and I said, "sometimes," and she said she would be home soon. Then, a few minutes later, she called back, and had my brother look at my arms to see how bad the cuts were. I asked him why he had to go tell her, and he said he *could* have just called Charter Ridge, which pissed me off. I'm not crazy, I don't need to go to fucking Charter Ridge. He insisted on talking to me about it, 'trying to understand', but he doesn't get it. He asked if i was trying to kill myself, and i said no, if i wanted to do that i would just slash my wrists and be done with it. So now I am waiting for mom to get home, wondering what the hell will happen, and I'm kind of mad, because my new favorite toy has been taken away, and he told me he definitely was not giving it back, and now they will be watching me, because mom knows I have been hiding it from her again. This is not cool. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: The Used - Say Days Ago (Comment on this)
Monday, November 3rd, 2003
8:34 pm	choking on nothing I talked to Jay on the phone until midnight last night. Then he made me go to sleep, saying I needed my rest. Pft. Sleep isn`t *that* important.I can live without it. I have before. But, at first, when we were talking, I felt kind of like I was suffocating. Mom was not in a good mood and was making it rather obvious and kept saying, "I hate this fucking house." and for some reason when she says things like that, it really hurts. But rather than making me sad, it just made me feel really distant, and I almost had one of my mild panic attack things. Luckily, Jay kept talking to me and it went away. But the feeling came back this morning. I was sitting at the computer, and suddenly it felt like everything was spinning, and I couldn`t breathe very well, and I found myself pulling out my razor. A few quick swipes and I felt a little more sane. But I ended up having to change shirts and wash blood out of my hoodie. Oh, the good news is, my writing block went away! I wrote a harry/ginny abuse/murder fic, and started a ron/ginny! I am so happy! Fic writing is so great! I am so odd. I can go from being hard working and quiet to acting like a hyper five year old. In french, we were doing worksheets, and I was just working, when I suddenly started talking to Emma about this game me and my dad played when I was little, where he let me hold his nose and he said `beep beep` and other things and they sounded funny. Emma held my nose and listened to me talk and said, "You`re right, that is fun," but wouldnt let me do it to her. So I spent the rest of the class trying to get to her nose. It was silly. I got home and talked to Jay for a little over an hour. He had to go to play practice, which he didn`t want to go to. He said he wanted to stay home and talk to me and reminded me that I "made" him go to auditions in the first place. I simply told him not to skip auditions because I knew I was the reason he was going to. And while I don`t like the time taken away from us while he is at rehearsals and such, he needs a social life outside of me. And he is silly not to want to go. So silly, but I love him very much. Current Mood: listless Current Music: The Used - On My Own (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 1st, 2003
5:06 pm	promise i will find some solace and a little peace of mind Last night was Halloween. I didn't do much, just went to school in my ramen queen costume. I was going to be a ramen fairy, but my wings were forgotten. I got home, and talked to Jay, and cleaned, and waited to be driven to the football game. When I arrived at the game, the only person I saw that I knew was Samantha. She was still in her green pixie splendor. There was 80s music playing and we danced to it and talked to a few people who came over. Jay as late, and we decided to go over behind the gate and watch for him so we could surprise him. We were singing scary-ish songs when I saw Jay running to the gate. Sam and I decided to hide. I was running to our hiding place when I slipped on the wet concrete and fell on my side. It hurt! It felt like I had popped something in my arm out of place and my elbow was burning. Samantha helped me up and I walked over to where Jay was coming in and told him I was hurt and he said awwww and hugged me. Then we walked to the tarp, our favorite area, me holding my elbow and him with his arm around my waist. We spent the next few hours laying together and kissing and saying I love you a lot. I think I could say that until my voice died and it still wouldn’t be enough. We were expected back at the game during the 3rd quarter to visit my friends in band. As we were walking, he put back on the bracelets I had given him a few weeks ago, and asked jokingly whether I wanted them back. I shook my head and said, "No, I don’t really wear them much anymore." He smiled and said, "Because you don’t need to." (I used to use these bracelets to hide the cuts on my wrists and forearms). I just looked at the ground and said "Right.", feeling guilt twisting at my stomach. If only he knew... He got to drive me home, which made him quite happy. I distracted him a little while he was driving. I couldn’t resist the temptation. We got to my house and stood on my front porch and kissed goodbye and he hugged me tightly and it took everything in me to pull away and let him leave. Every fiber of my being was screaming to pull him to me tighter and kiss him until the end of the world. Goodbyes are the worst part. He did give me his toys last night though. Two boxes of matches and a red lighter. I went out in my driveway and used the lighter to burn the boxes of matches, and then used a rock to smash the lighter into lots of pieces. I’m not very good at lighting lighters though, so I now have a blister on the pad of my right thumb. But the important thing is that they are destroyed. Then again, I am hypocritical, because after destroying his toys, I used one of my own. I drug the blade across my wrists, my shoulders, my thighs, my hips. I laid on the bed in just a tee shirt and watched the blood run down my leg. I felt like Ginny in one of my darkest fanfics. Suddenly I understood what Samantha said about being afraid I was living my stories. After all, my stories are part of me. It’s so easy to let me become part of them. Current Mood: sore Current Music: A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 30th, 2003
6:33 pm	it's our time to shine.. Hello all insane peoples. This is my 8th online journal. I am a journal whore, yesh yesh. Tomorrow is Halloween. I am being a ramen fairy. My costume is cute cute cute, thanks to my brilliant friend Emma. I felt pretty detached today. I didn't really realize it until I was standing with my friends Pinky and Alyxx in the hall and everything sounded really distant and I wasn't smiling and Pinky asked what was wrong and I forced a tiny smile and shook my head and said nothing, but my voice came out really soft. I got bouts of hyperness but they faded pretty quickly and I found myself running my hands under my sleeves, over the cuts from last night. I got home and pulled out my new razor. The phone rang just as they began to bleed, and it was jay(my boyfriend). I smiled as I heard his voice and made one more before setting the razor on my dresser. I like it now. Jay has my scissors, but he doesn't even know about the razor, and therefore cannot be upset by it. I get to break his lighter tomorrow. He destroyed my scissors, and therefore I get to break his lighter. We're supposed to be stopping si together. Look how well that is going. It's easy enough for him. He hasn't done anything in over a month. I have been cutting in extreme amounts every day for almost 2 months now. It's not that easy to give up. Well, I must go update my other bajillion journals, and look around the asylums on here..so, ta ta for now... Today I fell It felt better Just knowing this matters I just feel stronger And sharper Found a box of sharp objects What a beautiful thing.. Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: The Used - A Box Of Sharp Objects (Comment on this)